Monday, October 17, 2005

Still Fat

I am stuck in a rut, food wise. Pretty much nothing looks good to me anymore. It's the time of year, I think. Bizarrely, I tend to get depressed just as summer starts. It's not because I don't like summer, I love it. I'm not sure why it is actually, but I expect a lot of not giving a shit for the next few weeks.

Am still the same old weight. 91, 91.5, 92 kg depending on what I'm wearing, what I've just eaten, if I have PMS - whatever.

I need some suggestions of yummy things to eat that aren't crap. I had some tomatoes the other day. They were yummy with a little salt and some cracked pepper.

I went out to dinner for a friends birthday on Saturday night. I felt somewhat out of place. 8 couples (one with 4 week old baby), 7 thin to medium chicks, and me. It was supposed to be semi-formal, but the birthday girl was just lucky I wasn't wearing track pants. Fat chicks clothing stores do not make nice formal(ish) clothing. It's all polyester crepe with sequinned flowers and stuff all over it.

I am not much of a sequinned flower person, actually. More of a studded leather wrist cuff person. But in Australia, if you are fat and younger than 40, basically you don't exist according to the clothes stores. It's starting to change slowly. Hopefully soon I won't care about it because I won't be a fat chick any more. I'll be a semi-fat chick. That will be at 80kg when my BMI drops down to 29. It's currently 34 which I know is less than some of you out there in diet blogland, but still...

Which reminds me of WW and why I stopped going. My leader was a skinny lady. "Excellent!" I thought "I'm gonna learn some good stuff" But I never did. She'd dropped 7kg. That's 15.5 lb. And she was all about the "substitute full fat milk with skim!" "No margarine or butter on your sandwiches"

Dude, us fatties know that shit. A lot of us live by it most of the time anyway. I don't want to know that. I want to know how I can really change the way I relate to myself and allow myself to lose weight.

Because there has to be a reason I'm fat. Yes, I know it's because I eat too much crap food and don't exercise enough. But there has to be a reason why I do it. Is it because I'm lazy? Well, yeah, actually I am. But that's not it. There's some payoff for me in staying fat. I need to figure out what it is.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I need L plates for this thing...

You'd think that after 4 years of using LiveJournal I'd have gotten the hang of this blogging thing, wouldn't you? Or at least have a vague clue. But, sadly, I am still very much a clueless newbie in the land of blogger.

I don't even know if I can reply to the nice people who commented on my last post, so, err, bear with me guys, until I can figure out what the fuck I am doing.

I was just in the lounge, lying on the couch, reading Slimming magazine... and eating a Kit-Kat. In my defense it was a Cappuccino flavoured Kit-Kat and I had to try one just to see what it tasted like.

I can't really relate to these women's dieting magazines though. I'd so much rather have a steak and a beer than chocolate and lollies. I admit to a weakness for vanilla ice-cream and coke (not necessarily together) but that's pretty much it for my sweet tooth.

But, oh, meat pies and beef jerky and chips and steak and mashed potato with butter and a little cracked pepper and wasabi... Those are my weaknesses.

I mean, OK, I can stuff down a family sized block of Dairy Milk along with the rest of them, but I'd much rather be having a big, big chunk of barely cooked beef.

I bought pants today. Size 22.

I'm just, well, I thought that would be a shock to the system, but I'm kind of meh about it. I need a fucking anvil to drop on my head and pound some sense into me before I have to buy size 24 pants.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Not ninetyonekgs

...but 93kgs. Somehow in the last week or 2 I've managed to add 2kg.

I want to be below 90 by the end of November. That's doable, right?

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Hi, First Post

I'm not the type to be sentimental or live in the past. I don't keep photos or mementos or videos of myself as a kid.

I do, however, have a couple of photo albums showing myself at various ages over the last 35 years. There's a picture of me in the summer between primary and high school - so I was 11. I have a little gut - my belly's not totally flat, but apart from that I look fit and strong and healthy.

I thought I was fat, though. I thought I was disgusting and that no boy would ever like me. Which was probably fair enough since I wasn't so crash hot on the idea, either, I was 11 and was safely crushing on D who I knew, even back then, was gay, so there was never any chance of it coming to anything.

Now? Well, I am 35. I'm 91kg (as the blog title states - that's 200lb dead on) and 165cm (5'6"). I am fat. I take size 18/20/22 depending on the clothes. (That's 16/18/20 in US sizes). My gut sticks out. When I'm sitting and bend to cut my toenails I have to stick my belly between my thighs in order to reach. Which is disgusting. I take up more than half the 2 person seat in the train.

And I've been this fat for a few years now. I wish I knew what it would take for me to change.